Not Going Back
Newsletter
Not Going Back!
by Esther on 15 December 2024
If you asked me back in January how far today was, I would have said very far. Time sure plays its games on us as I sit here facing the reality that no matter what happens tomorrow, I am not going back to UNG for the Spring term. I will be honest, I have hit the “what am I doing” moment of my life, but that’s okay. Taking one day at a time.
These past three months make me chuckle. The reactions to my ventures have been mixed. One of my close friends thought I intentionally meant to not tell them where I was studying, and also, the joy they brought to me when I finally got to tell them. Most of the reactions have been, “Where is that?” But I suppose, when I really think about the journey I embarked on this year, it actually started back in primary. I knew since my youth I wanted to study abroad one day. My mother was supportive and told me to study in England or France one day (hence why I learned French growing up). I suppose the greatest irony is that after the first meeting with my advisor, all francophone countries were crossed off the list.
In grade six, I was sitting in my history class learning the map of Europe. There was one country in particular that I remember telling a classmate I was close to at the time that I wanted to visit for a reason (you will read later on) which must have been so dumb that her only response was an eye-roll. I do admit, I am not a bright student, and when mixed with learning new words as an English learner, you may get the picture.
Seven years later, I would have never expected to open my placement email to see that I was assigned to spend a whole term there. What did I tell my friends that day? Grade six me told my peer, “I would like to visit Lithuania one day and say I visited a capital city that starts with the letter V.” Feel free to judge because honestly if I said that to my current self, I would be the emoji that was just the eyes, 😶. Clearly, I was meant to go there one day as my placement was for none other than Vilnius University. I remember when I first talked to my now close friend, I told myself, “I think grade six Kitty would have thought it was the coolest thing that I talked to a Lithuanian.” The good ole days when I viewed the world so simply.
As I was simple-minded though, I must not forget the mastermind behind my life. If there is one thing people should know about my studies, it is that God made this possible. To cut to the chase, God told me where I was to go and yet, all year long I kept telling God, “There is no way.” He gave me sign after sign, yet I kept doubting. At one point, I was pretty convinced I was going to Japan or Bulgaria. Even when I got my placement, I still doubted to the point I only told my brother and Mama and ensured they understood it was not the final acceptance. I’m so lucky God loves me so much and has extreme patience with me since I am sure I deserve a spiritual spanking over this. My doubt reminds me so much of the many Bible figures who also told God it was impossible. No wonder my uncle always yells at me, “Go read your Bible.” I must really say and do stupid things that had I read my Bible more carefully, just maybe I would have faith the size of a mustard seed.
Now you may be asking me whether I am happy about my placement. Truth is, I am now, but for a short while, I was not. See the day after I got my formal acceptance package came a nightmare that honestly made thinking about my exchange very difficult. What I never shared was that I almost considered not taking the opportunity because less than 24 hours after I officially knew where I was going, I found out my friend passed away. Death of a loved one is a complex matter because on the one hand, life goes on and composures are to be held, but on the other hand, you want to cry 24/7. I got over it, but it took time. The original plan was to not share where I was going until after I got my visa, but my mother told half the church I was going to Malta by the end of March, so I opened up to be mostly damage control. I’m glad though that I was more open because talking about it helped me heal in a way. Maybe it just gave me an outlet to avoid thinking about my friend, but I suppose seeing my friends' reactions to the news helped me find a little bit of happiness in my life.
Additionally, as excited as I am about my exchange, following the end of the term, the nerves have set in. Some nerves, I wish not to share, but others are your common nerves. Visa is my current worry. I have to go out of state for it, so the thought of being denied is a major stressor. As many times as I have flown, navigating airports still makes me nervous. I am not worried about navigating an airport, but the other aspects such as customs, layover time, and the TSA machines (yes the literal bag check machines) make my anxiety go through the roof. Lastly, no matter how much I research the city now, being there will be very different. I suppose my biggest fear is how I would react upon arrival. I feel like people expect me to either be super ecstatic or super shocked when I arrive. My prediction is that my reaction would be that of the Grand Canyon. Also, I have never had homesickness, but before going anywhere on my own, I tend to panic about potentially having to deal with it. Yes, I did this with UNG, though this time I’m flying myself to the other side of the world. My mother would probably say that coming back to the U.S. will be harder than going, so hopefully that is true. I guess only P Days will tell.
I suppose I am not the only one going into the unknown though. We all are as the new year rolls around the corner. I wish everyone a happy exploring, and I shall see you in 2025!
......................................................................................................................................................................
Extras
Suggested…
Comments
Post a Comment