Not Home
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Not Home!
by Esther on 18 September 2025
For those asking me if I am home, the question I ask back is “what is home?” My mother warned me that I would have a hard time coming home, but neither of us prepared for the reality that awaited me. Up to the day I flew out, I thought I would go to Lithuania, enjoy my time there, come back to the states in summer, and it would be straight back to work, seeing my kiddos, and preparing for the term ahead. But from 8000km away, little could I have imagined just how wrong I would be.
Before it is all gloom and doom, I will do a recap on my Baltic adventures. I had a lovely time being able to reconnect with old friends and meet new ones. When I first arrived, my friend’s mother picked me up at the Trakai railway station, and well, Trakai became home for me instantly. Before the tourist season began, it was always such a peaceful thing to enjoy the outdoors by the lakes. Being outdoors a lot made any day better, which really came in handy when I had to receive bad news. I was not bogged down by endless busywork leading to a sense of immense freedom having to fill it with activities to do (which was overwhelming at first as I was used to a full schedule planned for me). It was truly so wonderful to be able to have the week to focus on school and the weekend to explore. I also got to visit Latvia two times, which were very memorable trips. By the time I was packing, I felt just so full and blessed to have such an opportunity.
Landing in the U.S. was very disorienting. I was expected to step back into the old routine knowing there was no real routine. I was unemployed, homesick, unable to see my kiddos, and many other things. The best news I received that day was messages that my dada Chris had a victory in court, and that things were to go uphill again and a chance to have some form of normalcy was possible. Most days I keep myself going by telling myself “two more years.” The first week home was spent at home getting readjusted to everything. From there my dad and I passed a lot of time together since my mother was gone, and I needed work. We took a short holiday to Chicago, figured out my living situation, and a plethora of other things that involved me being stateside again. I think being able to have the month with my dad was exactly what I needed to establish my new sense of normalcy. My uphill climb though would be slightly altered when plans once again changed. I have made the best of the situation but wish everything that has happened was not real. Last week was my first week in a rhythm, though temporary it shall be. I suppose we make the best of our situation though even if it is not what we planned.
I still wonder if I am home. What does home even mean? I know my university experience helped me to realise many things. They often use the term that a grown child is like a bird who leaves the nest, and well, I suppose it makes sense to me now. The home one knew as a child becomes a more complex thing when they are an adult. The hardest thing to grasp is how home can come and go; you establish new places to call home, and the home you knew disappears as if it never existed. New routines are hard, especially for people like me, but I suppose it is needed to further grow us. I miss my home and friends dearly, but for now, I suppose I am to be stateside, so the only thing we can do is to make the best of what our current circumstances are.
There is more I would like to share, but find this long enough. I wish you all a good autumn! See you in the next one!
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