Boundaries Hurt
Newsletter
Boundaries Hurt!
by Esther on 18 March 2024
With the blink of an eye, I realised the other day that it was time to write my first newsletter of the year. I love what I keep hearing about how time works, “the days are long, but the weeks are short.” Truly that is how I have felt this past quarter. There are days I wish I could revisit and just rest in for longer, and there are other days that feel super long. It’s funny how the long days are also the days that I find I have the least amount of schoolwork to do. This quarter, the major theme for me has been boundaries, but more on that later.
To start on something a little more light-hearted, this quarter has brought both life changes and many blessings. First off, I have a new little brother. I am absolutely obsessed and not guilty for turning them into a hold-me baby. There is just something about little humans who are just so content being in your embrace that makes me love the newborn stage. Speaking of new people, I also have a new roommate for the term. Emma has been the sweetest roommate, and I am so grateful for her. Emma and I have done several fun things together including going to Cleveland, late-night card games, and baking. I am so grateful to have someone who keeps me sane and in the realms of reality, as oftentimes I rant to her about my fantasies. Additionally, it never truly hit me until this year how many holidays and celebrations occur during the first three months of the year. Our door to our dorm was at one point decorated for birthdays, Mardi Gras, Valentine’s, and Chinese New Year. That barely scrapped the surface though for all the holidays that my calendar would remind me of. While culturally, I never cared for many of the holidays, being in university, I have found that making the effort to do something small for each of the holidays adds a bit of fun to the mundane daily routine.
Now onto the topic I have been pondering a lot over. Walking into the second term, I was faced with a minor friend issue, which made me realize the importance of boundaries. Friends are hard to set boundaries with, especially those who I would term less mature. My personal anecdote for this point involves a girl I spent much of my time with last term. I knew going into this current term, I would be much more occupied and informed her I would not be able to hang out as much and as spontaneously, which was not received well, and long story short, she informed me she did not wish to hang out with me. I did what I thought was right, which was to respect her choice and give her the space she asked for. There were other things that happened with this situation, but eventually, I heeded my friend’s advice to make up my own mind about the situation. While I have not verbally engaged or expressed my side of the whole situation, I still learned from the situation. I learned that sometimes it is better to make up my mind and not care about other’s feelings as much if I knew that it was ultimately better for both of us. While it is easy to focus on the people we see every day, going into the season of Lent, I also took time to realize how boundaries needed to be established with those I do not communicate much with or those on social media. I remember spending a whole evening going through the people I follow on Instagram and asking myself why I followed them, and if they were someone I was just following to not hurt their feelings over unfollowing them, it probably meant that I did not need to be following them. I have never felt more relieved than when I finished going through the puny list of people and cleaned through the people I had followed. I did not realize how much time I would spend checking content from people I have not talked to in years over, so narrowing down that list made me feel less obligated to open an app and end up mindless scrolling. I also want to add that I was inspired to purge my Instagram after realizing how little time I spent on the app once a friend and I set up our messaging via a different app.
The next group of people that I wished I set better and clearer boundaries with were my parents. My relationship with my parents has been far from perfect as it has been through its share of highs and lows, but the child's mind to act the “right” way to parents still remains no matter how broken the relationship. Transitioning into adulthood, while I would want to directly tell my parents what I wanted, I always felt guilty to directly do so because I was taught growing up that anything that did not align with my parents’ idea of who I was would be considered breaking the fifth commandment. This made me default to nonverbal cues, which I learned are sometimes not read by others. If there are any parents reading this, I guess the best thing you could do to truly support your child is to provide them the space while they are away at university to explore their new life and establish themselves. I know when my parents told me they wished to visit my church, my mind read it as more of an attack (and this may be specific to my parents’ behaviour) than out of genuine interest. I saw my parents request out of the lens that they were going to be church critiques. Sure parents may have some genuine interest in visiting the church of their child (replace church with anything), but holding back that urge to insert yourself in another’s life is one of the best things that you can do. (I am aware I put it in the parent section, but this is also something that I have to be aware of when dealing with friends too.) Learning to wait for the verbal invitation is something that will cause your student to be more willing for you to meet their new environment. I am grateful my parents occupied themselves with other activities, but this boundary subject surfaced big time recently as I ventured into new opportunities.
To conclude, I know that boundaries are hard and can hurt. I am one who often cares too much about how others feel over what I want deep down and know is better for me, so for those having to be on the receiving end, just know that those setting those boundaries also feel a sense of hurt. I also know that through the hurt, there are so many benefits that come from having those clear boundaries. Since not occupying my time with the girl, I have been able to meet new people and experience new things; and having set some boundaries with my parents, I have been more willing to share certain parts of my days with my parents. While boundaries are constantly changing and updating, this has also taught me to surround myself with good people and to always value the time spent with people because you never know what tomorrow will bring.
I hope everyone is doing well. I wish you all a wonderful and peaceful rest of the month!
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